I check my war paint in the mirror again. Vixen Cherry lips, matte Starry Night eye shadow, and just a touch of old-fashion Rouge blush under my cheek bones. Yes, I am ready for battle.
The noiseless digital clock illuminates the lateness of my date in neon green, fourteen past the hour. I crack open the whiskey bottle and pour two shots. Fifteen after, I down both. I pour two more. My cell vibrates and then chimes a template melody that can only be described as a middle-class families’ doorbell.
Running late. Traffic. 5 mins.
Tonight’s date is one of my usual suspects, a navy kid based out of San Diego who drives up once a month to see me. Curly blond hair, sky blue eyes, and built like most young military men, Officer Nerd is a nice change from my standard Los Angeles musicians. His purity is practically measurable. He doesn’t have any tattoos, he has never smoked a cigarette, and he gave away his virginity two years ago.
The familiar ring from the intercom breaks me from thoughts and I take the two previously poured shots after I buzz him in. Officer Nerd is sweet and quite fun in bed but the pre-coitus dialog always leaves me wanting a lobotomy. Each story he discloses begins with “Let me tell you this story…” and then drones on about nothing. Once he tried to have a serious conversation about Pokémon.
My apartment door rattles with two heavy thumps. Captain Nerd often brings me flowers and chocolates as well as my absolutely required tribute of fine wine. My mind floats away with ideas of gifts he may have brought me causing the substitution of his customary graceful knock.
At my door is a tall, dark mass dressed in all black with matching long hair. “Miss me, baby?” He steps in with a kiss that engulfs my body within his.
“What are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d stop by before my show tonight. You coming?” He makes his way to the kitchen and pours two more whiskey shots. He kills one, refills, and then holds the other out for me to take.
“I have plans.” I take the mini glass from him, the image of the state of Texas on its side, and finish it. “Which you are interrupting.”
“Ah, come on, baby.” I hate when he calls me that. “We can hang out for a few minutes first.” He bites his lip and looks me up and down, an attempt I thought adorable at our initial meeting but has worn thin recently.
“How do I say this nicely? You’re not in the rotation this week.”
He pulls out a bigger glass from the cupboard and fills it with ice. “What the fuck does that mean?”
His comfort level within my home makes my skin crawl. “You know what the fuck that means.”
Drummer forces air through his teeth. “So this guy is better than me.” He sips cooling whiskey from one of my favorite glasses.
The intercom buzzes again. “Who is it?” I ask into the speaker, wary of having another uninvited guest enter.
“It’s me, silly!” His tone is starkly different than the mood of the room.
Drummer laughs, exaggerating his actions, transparent brown liquid leaks from his lips as he pounds the glass out the counter. “Oh, man! I gotta see this guy!”
“Yeah, well, you can see him on your way out the door,” taking his wrist like a child in trouble. “He’ll be the one who’s your polar opposite.”
“No. No. I want an in-tro-duc-tion.” He stresses the last word like it’s the first time he’s saying it. He takes two more glasses out of the cupboard.
“Dude, seriously. Get the fuck out. It’s not your night and I don’t mix company.”
“Baby, every night is my night.”
The door, still ajar from the Drummer, echoes a light knock as it tenderly pushes more open. “Hello?”
“We’re in here,” I call back while making a stern face at my first visitor who smiles wider than I’ve ever seen him before.
“Hey! You look beautiful.” He’s holding a dozen red roses and a bottle of my favorite Sauvignon Blanc.
I take the bottle and flowers from him, kissing him on the lips a second or two longer than I normally would. I introduce Captain Nerd to Drummer.
“Hi.” Nerd extends his hand out with a bright white smile to accompany. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine,” Drummer says coyly with a devilish grin. “She speaks highly of you. We were just talking about what a fine chap you are. Not like that last guy she was seeing. Total loser. Drink?”
“I’ll pour the wine.”
“No, no,” Drummer protests. “We’ll save the wine for the ladies. And since there’s none here…” Captain and Drummer both look at me with teasing smiles, in on the same joke.
“Funny, I see two pussies in front of me.” If it felt weird to have the two of them in the same room, categorizing them in the same insult is straight bizarre. I don’t know what game Drummer is playing but it is immensity more stimulating than any other meeting I’d had with Captain Nerd prior.
One drink leads to four and Captain Nerd is looking pretty sloppy. I’m holding my own but the warm fuzzy feeling and blurry vision conveys I’m not far behind. Drummer acts as if every word Nerd says is astounding, literally sitting on the edge of the chair, and probing with more questions. Our current topic is one I’m all too familiar with.
“So what did you do when you saw her fucking another dude?”
Captain takes another sip. “What could I do? I closed the door and stopped taking her calls.”
“Fuck, bro. I would have pulled my dick out and joined in.”
“Yeah, right.” I blurt.
“I’ll take my dick out right now!”
I take a serious gulp, letting the ice waver on my lip for a second. “I’m sure you would, but I’m saying, you wouldn’t fucking join in.”
“You’ve never had a Devil’s Threesum?”
“What’s a Devil’s Threesum?”
I try to focus Drummer’s eyes to mine. “Have you?”
“Um… what’s a Devil’s Threesum?” Captain Nerd asks again.
“I’d be down to try it once.” Drummer finishes his drink. He shrugs. “He’s pretty. Kinda like a girl.”
“Ok, ok. What’s,” Nerd hiccups. “Excuse me. What’s a Devil’s Threesum?”
To be continued…