Your Girlfriend’s Best/Worst Friend

Your girlfriend has that one friend you can’t stand. The one that drinks too much, parties too hard, and is definitely too loud. She’s opinioned about your relationship, yet never has been in a stable one herself. She’s crude, rude, and always asking you to hook her up with your friends. She’s like a frat boy with tits.

I am that friend.

A while back a girlfriend told me about how she had caught her boyfriend sexting another girl, sending and receiving scantily glad pictures. Like all friends I voice my anger upon hearing about the indiscretion but understood why she decided to forgive and forget. We’ve all been in love, forgiven when we shouldn’t have, and stayed with a man a little too long. But if I’m not dating you, I don’t have to forgive shit. If you cheat, lie, or god-forbid hit one of my friends, I’m not going to tiptoe around you and act like everything is fine. That’s what her other friends are for.

“Next time I see him I’m going to slap him.”

Maybe it’s because I’ve had boyfriends that have cheated on me, maybe because I also found a boyfriend sexting another girl, maybe I’m just a bitch, but I slapped my friend’s boyfriend when I saw him. I didn’t do it dramatically in front of everyone. I took him outside, removed his sunglasses, and let my hand fly into his face. I’m a respectable slapper.

“Why did you hit him?”

To slap some sense into him. Someone had to. You may have rolled over, turned the other cheek, but I’m not so easy to forgive. And he needs to remember that his actions are on loudspeaker. I told the girls I would slap him and stuck to my word. Boyfriends of my friends take warning; your girlfriend is a queen and I am a guard to insure she is treated like one.

I am not your friend. I’m hers.

Truthfully, I get along with my friends’ boyfriends. I’m laid back, swear like a sailor, drink like a fish, and speak about eating ass as candid as the weather. But no matter how many times we bro out, my allegiance is still on the chick that you hold hands with. I don’t care that she stopped sucking your dick three months ago. Or that she overreacts or is too sensitive. She is the person who helps me pick out the perfect outfit. Who answers my late night phone calls. Who tells me everything is going to be okay when I am at my wit’s end.

So, if you capture her affections, know that I’m not too far away with a shotgun pointed at your balls if you break her heart.

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” ― Bob Marley

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