My former introverted female roommate gave me a big hug and said, “Thank you for talking to me about this. I’ve never been able to talk about it before.” We were, of course, having a conversation about our vaginas.
In spite of feminism, equal rights, and the boom of female sexuality there are still taboo topics that we are afraid to mention to even another double X chromosome. Being the brass, outspoken, unfiltered cunt that you tell your mother is “a friend of a friend” I’ll start smashing through these glass walls with 28 things I’ve learned in 28 years.
Body & Hair
- We all pull strains from our ass crack and vag after shampooing our hair.
- Wax, not bleach, your upper lip. Or laser that ladystash cause we can still see your blond caterpillar.
- Brazilians hurt but you get use to them. The most painful part is the top flat part so if you’re a wuss just get your bikini and crack only. Crack hurts the least.
- Anal bleaching is for porn stars. Just don’t.
- Real boobs are never symmetrical.
- Neither are our ‘lower lips.’ Shouldn’t that have gone under Vagina? Shut up!
- It takes years to be confident in your body. By the time you realize your baby fat at 21-years-old wasn’t bad at all it will be adult fat. And you’ll be okay with that.
Vaginas & Periods
- If you haven’t loss a tampon yet consider yourself lucky. Those bastards are hell to finger out and often require tools or a friend. Correspondingly, don’t get wasted on your period.
- Pineapple juice makes vaginal secretions taste better. Add to your diet. Your beau’s too if his jizz is gross.
- Yeast infections look like Brie and smell quite similarly. Go to the doctor and avoid males… word is as spreadable as the soft cheese oozing from you.
- DO NOT DOUCHE. The smell will only get worse. Just water… for the love of goddess, just water.
- Wiped yourself and it feels like a slip n’ slide? Your period is in a week.
- Don’t have sex the day before your period. It makes cramps worse.
- Period blood doesn’t come out of material. There will always be that stupid little stain. Just toss the panties. Yes, the cute lacy ones you just bought.
Sex & Blowjobs
- Lie about your number. Even to your best friend. Especially to your boyfriend.
- It will take less time to let your boyfriend fuck you than it will to argue that you’re not in the mood. Ten minutes later you can go back to watching TV.
- If you cheat on your boyfriend and he has no way of finding out, don’t tell him. You’re only alleviating your guilt by pushing the burden of forgiveness onto him. Oh, and you should break up with him cause it’s obviously not working.
- Viagra works for females too. Split a pill and head to a hotel for the maid to clean up the mess.
- Blowjobs: Cheapest birthday, Christmas, and “I’m sorry” present ever.
- It’s ok to choke on dick but when your nose and eyes are running start licking his balls so you can wipe your liquids on his boxers or sheets.
- Getting a pube in your mouth completely constitutes a pause.
- We’ve all done something or someone we regret.
- It’s okay to like porn. Even the weird stuff.
- If you’re a meat eater don’t even think about living or dating a vegetarian. Their poop smells worse than ours and looks like they ate confetti.
- If your friends and family hate him he’s an asshole and you should break up with him. They see what you are blinded to.
- Tell this to your boyfriend there is a direct correlation between a woman being crazy and good in bed. Then next time he says you’re being ‘irrational’ make the tongue-to-cheek gesture that represents a blowjob. The second they think about sex you sound more logical.
- Whatever ‘it’ is, do it for yourself and no one else.
- Never let anyone deter you from what makes you truly happy.