Are You The Annoying Friend?

 If you’ve passed puberty you’ve heard one of your girlfriends, female acquaintances, or frenemies say one of the follow and the urge punch her in the face was so overwhelming even the possibility of jail time wouldn’t deter you. Fuck it. Orange is the New Black, right?

“I just cannot put on weight, no matter how much I eat.”

Are they really trying to put on weight? Or do they just want the rest of us who have been trying to lose that last five pounds for past ten years to resent ourselves more? I seriously wonder what they are trying to accomplish by telling their friends that they can eat a whole pizza and lose two pounds by morning. Skinny bitches.

Listen Skeletor you’re not going to get any sympathy from your announcement. In fact, if you really want help with your “problem” I’d be happy to pour lard down your throat until you reach your desired weight. Open wide.

Granted there are some women that really can’t put on weight due to a medical condition (or fabulous genes) but these aren’t the girls ‘complaining’ about it during brunch. They certainly aren’t saying it to their heavier, pleasantly plump friends. That’s just straight rude. Try adding weight to your soul by picking up some manners and common social decency.

“My vagina is just too small to enjoy big dick. It hurts.”

Let me just say I have never heard a girl say this without being earshot from a guy.

Making this announcement to your fellow pussy-owner is even worse than the previous statement. The stigma surrounding our love holes has been around since we realized they are used for more than peeing. Every woman at some point has questioned the quality of her vagina; smell, taste, size, grooming… Reinforcing negative beliefs with this blanketed statement is the equivalent of calling your bestie a whore. “You can fit that dick inside you? I can’t. Therefore…”

We should be giving each other positive encouragement that all lady bits are of Goddess likeness. It’s bad enough that most males judge our physiques like pups at a dog show, why imply the same judgment.

There are petite pussies out there; I’m not saying there aren’t. I wouldn’t know personally as I accommodate most shapes and sizes, big and small. Biology Lesson: The vagina is built to stretch to push out babies. If you can’t handle a thick cock I hope you are prepared for a caesarean scar.

“She is such a slut.”

Still resorting to name calling, huh?

The word slut can be used for good or for evil. When joking with your gals about your “slutty days” or giving your roommate a “you little slut” when she comes home from her “Stride of Pride” (that’s Walk of Shame, boys) you are playing with the word for female empowerment over it.

But when we accuse another female of being a slut just because we don’t like her, or she’s wearing a belt as a skirt, or your boyfriend cheated on you with her, you are just reinforcing that girls are catty. In fact, if you want to deter a male from a female call her a tease. Males like sluts. Not to marry or to date, but to put their dick in something warm and wet. They don’t see sex as something emotional as some of us do. So when you say, “She is such a slut,” you are telling them which direction to point their penises.

“No! You look great! I look terrible.”

Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s not annoying.” It is in the long run.

Somehow we have been trained to tell our friends how wonderful they are while simultaneously putting ourselves down. We have learned that if we say something negative about ourselves our friends will tell us the opposite and even insult themselves so that we can complete the compliment loop.

This ideology has resulted in us being unable to maintain any self-esteem unless other parties inflate it. We have learned to rely heavily on what other people think and have lost the ability to think autonomously about the person in the mirror. It is the reason why we put so much importance on our significant others’ opinions. So when he says, “I like your hair better when it’s straight,” you don’t have to break down into tears about how your boyfriend thinks you’re ugly. “I like my hair this way.” I guarantee he will respond with, “Ok.”

Here are some rebuttals next time that bitch says one of the above lines;

“I just cannot put on weight, no matter how much I eat.”

“Awe! That sucks that your boobs will always be that small.”

“My vagina is just too small to enjoy big dick. It hurts.”

“You can send those big dick fellas my way then.”

“She is such a slut.”

“I wonder if she spreads her legs as often as you spread rumors?”

“No! You look great! I look terrible.”

“Thanks!”

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