How to Deal with Post Break-up Gossip

Single. It’s a lifestyle choice. Not an affliction. I’ll be okay. Seriously. Stop worrying. It’s also not contagious.

I don’t know why people, even strangers, want to know “What happened?” Like I’m dying to rehash what went wrong. Why we didn’t work out. They seem so interested. Like I’ll bring some insight into their lives. Or they can be my personal Dr. Phil and tell me exactly what we did wrong. Maybe they just want juicy details. An Affair to Remember that they can recite to their friends. To get caught up in the story or drama and side with one character over the other. Cause someone has to be the bad guy after all. Nothing bad happens to two good people. Did Time Warner’s rates get higher? There’s got to be something more interesting on.

I’m also not on the search for a new boyfriend. Anyone that I might go out on a date with is not the new love of my life. I don’t need to worry that they don’t have high earning potential. Or if they want to be a father. Or if they absolutely can’t stand dogs and kick puppies for a living. It doesn’t matter. There is no long-term plan. There is no down the road. There is only here and now and if I can hang out with someone for longer than an hour without rolling my eyes, then I’m happy.

I don’t want to know who you saw him with. I don’t want to know where he’s at. Or what he’s doing. If I did, I’d call, text, email, send carrier pigeon, or some other form of communication. It’s 2012. It’s harder to NOT know. And if I was curious I could just mainline and ask the source.

You don’t need to be mad for me. Or tell me he was a dick. And that you never liked him. I did, and no one likes to hear their loved ones bad-mouthed, even if you are trying to be supportive. I’m aware of his faults as much as his charms. You should focus on your current lovers, not my past ones.

Furthermore, if you are trying to get in my pants, or even worse, trying to be my new one and only, talking about my ex-boyfriend more than anything else isn’t going to make me like you. See above.

But I guess these are the things you deal with when you are newly single. Your friends choose a side. Your family checks on you obsessively. And every cock in the LA rises to the occasion.

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