In the wake of New Year’s resolutions and promises that we know we will never keep, I look back instead of forward. What is the use of changing future behavior if I haven’t learned from the past?
At the close of 2011 (or the beginning of 2012 — pot head memory) I made a list of areas of my life I wanted to improve.
Now I know that these are nearly all of the aspects that life has to offer, but a year ago I didn’t have any of these. I dressed like a 16-year-old, didn’t have a job, a car, my own apartment, a best friend, a group of friends to call my own for that matter, and I was co-dependent on my boyfriend. And here I thought I had graduated from high school.
Something needed to change.
I broke up with my boyfriend (or we broke up with each other, that still isn’t clear), got an internship, a job, a car, finished my master’s degree, bought grownup clothes, and moved in with my cousin. And it was only April. Took me two months to fix what had taken two years to break.
I suddenly felt like I could do anything. I started going to the gym, eating at restaurants alone, and found myself hanging out with girlfriends instead of boys that wanted to be balls deep in my…
But something was still wrong. Damn it, love. Four out of five ain’t bad, right?
Nope! Pesky, infuriating love. But it wasn’t just me. My friends were all going through similar romantic problems. Either they were with someone who was emotionally crippling, or they were furiously on the search for a replacement. Sometimes simultaneously.
I felt like the monkey on the outside of the cage looking in. Why are we so desperate to find that special someone?
Companionship. Touch. Someone to text “Look what happened to me” daily. I was hearing the same things over and over.
Couldn’t we provide that for each other? Besides friends with benefits, friends have benefits. We can sit and watch Netflix and smoke a bowl together. We can hug, hold, and caress. We can listen to you tell that 20 minute story that ends with, “You had to be there.”
But not everyone can jump onto this program.
There is just something too enticing about having that one person that gets you. More than a best friend, more than a lover, a soul mate. Someone who is yours, as you are theirs. And even I have to admit, as a person who dated someone who was 90% there, it’s a hard thing to lose.
Even more frustrating is watching that person find their new theirs.
But after this past year I know something I didn’t know before. It takes more than a good man to make me happy.
Maybe a fleet will do.